Welcome To My Secret Garden
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
There are a hundred and one things in my mind and a thousand and one words I wanna say... But I wonder if everything should be revealed. If I do, I run the risk of getting myself labled as trying to act pitiful... I feel that I am at wits end... I dunno what is the next step I should embark on. I duno where else to channel my emotions other than transforming it into tears... How do I not let emotions control me?
Thinking back, I wonder why have I done so many stupid things... I feel dumb and many people say I was dumb... I didn't know what I want, I didn't know how to express myself, I let emotions control me, I throw a tantrum at everyone and dismisses any help that came along my way. They say I deserve everything and there is nothing much that I could do now but to sit along a wait for things to befall on me.
I made myself feel so alone but the actual fact there are actually so many people that stood by me. They were invisible to me and I made myself invisible to them.
I'm so sorry!! If I have not been so wilful... If I have not been so self-centered... If I were to see things from another point of view...
I have hurt and I am hurt....
Does it even help if I explain myself? Will it be an explanation or rather another excuse I have for myself? I will try do it anyway...
I was dumb. Dumb for the fact that I have long made up my mind but yet, did not do anything simply because of silly comments made by other people. I was told not to care about other's opinion but I kept dwelling on it, even now.
No, am I just emotionally unstable...? I was just not logical anymore. Emotions overwhelm me, and I allowed it to control me. But in the midst of this struggle, there were little gestures that I tried to do, but it was just too insignificant and not enough... Zoo... I asked. I did something, right? Is it really I have not done anything or is it, you forgotten what I have done. WIll you look what I have not done but what I have done? After the BBQ, I sms-ed that I was homed, was that forgotten too? I know I ought to be apologetic, and I did not, but I gave in my little own way already, didn't I? And you were really angry... I was angry too... And I was even more upset over the untold purchase... What am I to say? So I just kept quiet...
Why did I not say a single thing about those sad comments? As much as you duno what you should say to me, I am not so witty to know how to react either... Its not that I have taken things for granted but believe it or not, I really duno how to react...
Now, I am sorry, but is it significant anymore?
Everyone has their mistakes. I do have my own mistakes. I really don't know how to handle emotions. I am trying to learn through my mistakes... Does everything mean that I have to be sent to hell? I just needed some time and a little confirmation, will time wait for me?
It just confirms even more that Time will not heal but it just let you forget what was once held so dear... So you try to remember... Reminisc...
I am sorry to you, to the girls... Everyone... I was such a disappointment, wearing a hat too big for my head that I can't see anything... But I will learn...
Believe, have a little more faith...
With Love, Jas 11:13 AM
Jasmin Kee
CHIJ-OLGC, Cedar Girls' Sec Sch, CJC, SIM
jas2104@hotmail.com
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