Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I have been thinking about this all the time. Thinking about if my decisions were right... Before I carried out what I did, someone asked me if I think I am doing the right thing. I just said, "Its not about making the right choice anymore. I just feel that I have to do it even if it may turn out very wrong." I wonder if I am right...
I asked myself, should everything be right? What is right in the first place? Must I look at everything logically when life itself is not logical to begin with. Should I look at things from its optimality and utility? Sometimes I just wanna let my emotions rule me and let fate take its course... Is it wrong to do this? I wonder...
I wonder if I am starting to regret everything... I wonder... Somehow, I don't know how to face the world now as everything seems absolutely new to me. How do I start to widen my social circle? I am still in the state that I still wanna hide away from the world. TO ESCAPE!!!
I feel like going for a holiday... Even just a short trip to Malaysia or something... Just a tiny-winy getaway...
My mum asked why am I always at home? She finds it weird for someone like me who disappears during weekends, to stay at home and nua through saturday and sunday... I just said, "Bu xiang chu qu be ke yi ah?" Another good excuse for staying at home is that I am totally broke... Go out, no matter what you do, you gotta spend money... HaiZz... Whatever it is, I think I should go out... But I don't know where I can go...
I was talking to laine... And I thought that there is something distinctive about us. We are actually very individualistic people who wants to be acknowledged and not being shadowed by anyone. We don't like the fact that people regard us something rather than ourselves ie. so&so's gf or so&so's friend rather than Jasmin. We don't like that fact that people see us as attached and take it for granted that our bfs will help us out in whatever fields. Because of this, we end up missing out alot. Missing out of being the fact that we could probably be learning something more from someone who is more experienced. Missing out in the sense that we have hardly any chance to make more ernest friends as a matter of fact people will distant away from you knowing that you are attached.
In the gist of it all, we were nurtured to be independent and aspiring people, and once we step out of independence, we feel alienated and soon start to feel lost... Simply because this is not the idea of what life we were taught should be... Life is not just about one person, not just being with one person. Shouldn't Life be more holistic? I don't know what holistic means here, but I am sure expecting more...
Now that everything has happened, I feel even more lost. Cos I realised I really do not have friends!! All I have is the girls. Many other so called friends just disappeared because they are not my first degree friends. Its time I go make more friends and be more sociable, but I don't know how to do so cos I have not been sociable since secondary school days...
Teach me how...
With Love, Jas 5:41 PM
