There are a hundred and one things in my mind and a thousand and one words I wanna say... But I wonder if everything should be revealed. If I do, I run the risk of getting myself labled as trying to act pitiful... I feel that I am at wits end... I dunno what is the next step I should embark on. I duno where else to channel my emotions other than transforming it into tears... How do I not let emotions control me?
Thinking back, I wonder why have I done so many stupid things... I feel dumb and many people say I was dumb... I didn't know what I want, I didn't know how to express myself, I let emotions control me, I throw a tantrum at everyone and dismisses any help that came along my way. They say I deserve everything and there is nothing much that I could do now but to sit along a wait for things to befall on me.
I made myself feel so alone but the actual fact there are actually so many people that stood by me. They were invisible to me and I made myself invisible to them.
I'm so sorry!! If I have not been so wilful... If I have not been so self-centered... If I were to see things from another point of view...
I have hurt and I am hurt....
Does it even help if I explain myself? Will it be an explanation or rather another excuse I have for myself? I will try do it anyway...
I was dumb. Dumb for the fact that I have long made up my mind but yet, did not do anything simply because of silly comments made by other people. I was told not to care about other's opinion but I kept dwelling on it, even now.
No, am I just emotionally unstable...? I was just not logical anymore. Emotions overwhelm me, and I allowed it to control me. But in the midst of this struggle, there were little gestures that I tried to do, but it was just too insignificant and not enough... Zoo... I asked. I did something, right? Is it really I have not done anything or is it, you forgotten what I have done. WIll you look what I have not done but what I have done? After the BBQ, I sms-ed that I was homed, was that forgotten too? I know I ought to be apologetic, and I did not, but I gave in my little own way already, didn't I? And you were really angry... I was angry too... And I was even more upset over the untold purchase... What am I to say? So I just kept quiet...
Why did I not say a single thing about those sad comments? As much as you duno what you should say to me, I am not so witty to know how to react either... Its not that I have taken things for granted but believe it or not, I really duno how to react...
Now, I am sorry, but is it significant anymore?
Everyone has their mistakes. I do have my own mistakes. I really don't know how to handle emotions. I am trying to learn through my mistakes... Does everything mean that I have to be sent to hell? I just needed some time and a little confirmation, will time wait for me?
It just confirms even more that Time will not heal but it just let you forget what was once held so dear... So you try to remember... Reminisc...
I am sorry to you, to the girls... Everyone... I was such a disappointment, wearing a hat too big for my head that I can't see anything... But I will learn...
Believe, have a little more faith...
With Love, Jas 11:13 AM
Can't sleep for goodness sake at 3am and gotta wake at 6am.. There is just one place I wish I can go now...
I don't know what more to say...
With Love, Jas 3:02 AM
Woke up at 6 am, and I couldn't fall back into sleep. I guess I slept too early. I forced myself to sleep too early..
Maybe I have loads of things on my mind as well. Once I close my eyes, everything runs into my mind.
It sucks, I swear... It sux to wake up feeling empty, hungry and cold. Just too hungry if not i probably go find some alcohol to make myself fall dead into my bed once again.
I am very disappointed with alot of things happening lately. I hate that fact that I have put in effort into doing something and everything still seems to go in vain. As much as I wanna defeat the ideology that "things will never be the same again", it seems to be more promising that things in fact are never gona be the same again. I do not wish to specify more on this.
I am not having my PMS but I am irritated with things. Irritated with the fact that mummy has made dinner. Yes, she has made dinner but only one dish edible! Is it cos the fact that she zhong nan qing nu cos my bro is not coming home for dinner and she have to ruch off for you-know-what appointment. I would rather she have not cooked any and I don't have to oblige to eat whatever that she has anyhow-cooked and go to the coffeeshop and da bao. I would rather go on a hunger strike more than anything else.
I am irritated by the fast that everyone seems to be all busy and hoping somethings will happen and simply hoping something will happen.
(Is it cos that I am too free that I am dwelling too much on something and causing myself to be irritated with stuffs that I should not concern more?)
I am having groundless anger. Angry with things that I ought not to be angry about.
HaiZzz... All I can do is to sit and stone and hope things will subside and hopefully into the places I want it to be.
URGHH~!!!
I am fretting over so many things I need a break. How am I to let myself stop thinking about things and really go relax my mind? How should I do it? Will somebody teach me?
*Angry!!! ANGRY with myself*
I don't know why, but sometimes like now, I really hate myself.
With Love, Jas 7:02 AM
I had a dream last night... A weird dream... A hilarious dream... Almost a scary dream...
I dreamt that I was pregnant with a kiddo... I actually dreamt of giving birth!!! The most scary part of the dream was the aftermath of birth giving...
In my dream, after giving birth, my boobs actually up its size significantly... Like really scarily... It just like bloated up, and in my dream, I actually poked the breast and MILK OOOOOOzed out!!!! NON STOP!!! OMG!! Its freaking hilarious... Like there is milk all over the floor, EVERYWHERE!!!
Its damn scary how much milk can those bossom mates hold!!! And Amazing how it can swell with so much milk like almost instantly!!!
I actually breast fed my baby in the dream... It feels freaking weird.... I duno how to describe... Imagine a toothless baby nibblinb for milk.... OMG!! I can't imagine, and I don't wanna imagine...
Why am I having this kinda weird dream manZ!!
******************************************
I saw 2 road accidents consecutively over 2 days... One was yesterday morning. Rainy weather. BANG!!!!! A pickup gave a big french kiss to the nissan sunny in front of it... Sunny's bumper dented and the boot cannot be closed... There was even a toddler in the back passenger seat. Luckily the toddler was clad firmly in the baby's seat...
Talk about accidents... ACCIDENTS!! I think I am crazy or what, cos many times I visualise myself being hit by a really serious accident, bleeding profusely, near the brink of death and being hospitalised for many days... The only thing I could not visualise is: who comes to visit me at my ward...
Sometimes I think that I'm a chronic, pretentious and gut-less attention seeker... UUURGGHHHH!!!
With Love, Jas 2:05 PM
Was playing around facebook and I chance upon this really interesting feed.. Its the Zodiac Sign thingy... Just to share with you all.... Time to get to know a little bit more about me...
I am a TAUREAN FIRE TIGER!!! Grrrrrrr....
Suddenly I feel so proud to be a Tiger!!
Brief description
Tigers are strong but very emotional and sensitive. They can get stubborn over things that they believe to be right or true. (I can be darn stubborn! Try me...)
Positive Traits
lovable, alluring, warm-hearted, altruistic, honourable, hard-working, pleasant, independent, engaging, dynamic and idealist sweetie pies
Negative Traits
rash, hot-headed, reckless, infatuated, quarrelsome, caustic, moody, predatory, rebellious, disobedient and irreverent rascals (That is SO me!!!!)
General description of all Tigers
Tigers do not find worth in power or money. They will be completely honest about how they feel and expect the same of you. On the other hand, they seek approval from peers and family. Generally, because of their charming personalities Tigers are well liked. Often, failing at a given task or being unproductive in his personal or professional life can cause a Tiger to experience a depression. Criticism from loved ones can also generate this type of Tiger reaction. Still, like all felines, Tigers always land on their feet, ready for their next act in life, pursuing it with unyielding energy and hunting it infallibly. (OMG!! The part on criticism is super true!! I wonder if I am really well liked... Dosen't seem to be so... BoooSs...)
Tigers are also incorrigibly competitive - they simply cannot pass up a challenge, especially when honor is at stake, or they are protecting those they love. Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat's instincts to pounce at a moment's warning. Natural leaders, they have a strong sense of their own dignity, and if they find themselves in the ranks, they can be stubborn and obstinate. In positions of power they can be difficult though stimulating bosses. Tigers are intelligent, alert, and farsighted. They have their fingers on the pulse. Good strategists and tacticians, they often have a hidden agenda. As long as they do not risk their luck too often, and keep their restless nature under control, their tactics usually pay off in life.
Detail description of the Fire Tiger
Eccentric and dramatic, Fire Tigers are aglow with passion and verve. They are outgoing, expressive and look on the bright side of things. They have the Tiger's natural ability to lead others and are able to excite others simply with their own gift of enthusiasm. They can be funny and have great senses of humor. Tigers are powerful speakers and have the ability to command and persuade crowds through speech. Their own seemingly endless supply of energy can make them appear a bit dramatic, and it may make them more sensitive to cautious or down-to-earth approaches in others. (Am I really a good orator?)
Taurean Tiger
More down-to-earth than other Tigers, these people are practical and will finish tasks they start. They work well under pressure and can maintain their workloads through amazing efforts. They are passionate in their partnerships and provide stability to their loved ones.
The Tiger Lover
Tigers are incredibly sexy people, beautiful to most people and sensually romantic. They are spontaneous lovers who never lose their creative spark or flare for an evening of passion. They offer their partner a hint of danger and exhibit a curiosity for the unknown.
Money and Tiger
Tigers depend on luck. They like to spend money, and also to share it. They can be quite impulsive spenders because they know they can always make more. Somehow, as luck would have it, they discover the end of the rainbow just before complete bankruptcy. They are willing to lose a fortune in their lifetime, if it means they will wind up with two. (I cannot agree more)
With Love, Jas 11:53 PM
I am still alive!!!! (this may disappoint some people) But still I AM STILL ALIVE!!
And I am wondering...
I really wonder.... Wonder....
I really don't understand myself and how am I gonna let others understand me....
If you say you understand me, I wonder if you really understood me simply 'cos even I can't understand myself.
I am never satisfied.
I'm a Bitch, let me die...
Shopaholic Bitch Likes the bag above... Roomy enough for me to bring out all my nonsense...
With Love, Jas 12:26 AM
I am engaged in Bimbotic thoughts!
I wanna wear pretty clothes... Wear pretty makeup... Carry pretty tote bag with pretty accessories!!!
I want pretty hair! Pretty nails! Pretty from head to toe!
I want curling thongs to curl these poker straight hair!!! I miss those curly hair days! But I think these hair of mine will refuse to take any other shapes other than staying poker straight... Hmmmmm...
I feel like dyeing my hair but hate the hassle of maintaining when regrowths emerge... *I'm so hard to please*
I wanna lose those pounds... And become ANOREXIC!! LOL!! *Just kidding*
Skinny!! Smaller butt, flatter abs and leaner legs and leaner arms... *I need discipline*
Fade those freckles on my cheeks and tighten up those pores!! Gimme a More defined double eyelid!!
I think I need plastic surgery!!
Where should I start??
Donations to Love Jasmin Fund open now!!!
With Love, Jas 4:44 PM
In Slumberland...
Slept the entire day.. Feels great... Feels like I have recouped all the sleep that I have lost...
U know what?? I am gonna be CHEAP and start telling people what I am aiming for again... If it makes you happy that I am CHEAP, yes, you got your wish...
I want an Ipod Nano video...
That's how small it is.....
And... How thin it is.....My current MP3 player spoil le... Like DEAD!! Anyway, I am sick of this Brand C... Time for a new one~!!
I can't live without a MP3 player... I seems like my life is less of something...Drastic! Without music, I am distracted... I can't destress...
With Love, Jas 7:21 PM
I didnt know I have made so many enemies... First it was Cher, and now its name? Hmmmmm... Prolly people like to see me fall, cry and live in misery... God knows who is this anonymous who dosent dare stand by its words by being anonymous...
"if one chain can buy u, i think u're cheap!"
"Oh yes!! I care so much about what you think... My sky is falling!!!"
So am I suppose to be sad over this comment? Or angry? How am I suppose to react? Cry over another childish comment? Nah... Once bitten, twice shy... For who knows Cher and name? might be the same person making the same kinda comment... (notice the word might in bold:in case you may be misreading this again, I am not saying that they are the same person wor)
Oh well... One sentence, so many meanings. I just said, I'll be a good girl. Does that constitute that you can own me? Maybe to you it is, cos prolly you are already looking at me through your own tinted lenses. And yes, definitely, you have the right to comment and the freedom of speech (freedom of speech prolly very effective in USA, but I am in Singapore) and you may think that whatever you said is your problem and I can close my eyes not to see, or close my ears not to hear... But even kiddos know that once you open your eyes, u can see many things even those you don't wanna see even if you choose to close your eyes, people around you may tell you about it too. Once something is said, if you are in the the radius where the wavelength can travel, you will prolly hear it anyway... Bear in mind, you are saying things on somebody else's blog, and sometimes certain comments are not welcomed...
So is that the they way I am suppose to react to your comment? Or gather all the girls and bitch about how childish and bo liao this person is? Or tell alvin about it and find out if its his sis? DUMB right? Or Ignore? Budden I've seen the comment already, how can I ignore? But even if I don't wanna ignore what can I do? Track the IP address? That's another dumb thing to do, cos I may be darn free but why must I waste so much time on a anonymous person?
Anyway, you make my life so interesting!! I finally have things to fret about!! Like "Oh no!! I am cheap!! How how??? How to add value to myself??" I can't believe I am so bo liao too..
But anyway, what's wrong with being cheap? At least I am worth something now, unlike some others who are worthless, or even worse. Oh well... I wonder...
**********************************************
Enough said...
With Love, Jas 12:40 AM
I miss those regular girls night out where we drive around for food, supper, late night movies or pubbing. Hong Kong Cafe at East Coast, East Coast Food Centre, Dempsey Rd, Cafe Del Mar etc etc, places where is it rather inaccessible without a vehicle.
I miss SUPPER!!! Supper with everyone at Kovan... Just spending our time together, gossipping, sharing beauty tips, dreaming about the future together etc etc. Now supper is reduced to only me and Laine...
SAD!!!!
Soon laine will leave for her overseas intern... I can foresee that I'll be by myself in this lonely land... SH is forever busy, Mich also the same and she leaving for exchange next year, and Geok only free once in awhile and she is starting her intern soon...!!!!
Laine.... DUN GO LA!!! Stay In SG, if not bring me along!!! SIGH!!
Saw the doctor today... Am I getting old or something...?? I am just not as pink of health anymore... I am dependent on the doctor and I am very concern about health problems now. Women health especially. Seems like cancer affects women more than men... Oh no!!! I think I really need insurance... Hail! Insurance agents! Look me up! I need a health policy!
I am serious... I am scared I will die or rather half dead leaving my family bear all my medical bills... Buy a policy before any misfortune strikes me... =P
With Love, Jas 2:19 AM
There are so many things I wanna say, I wonder where should I start.
Just start with this first (others come in later entries)
I wanna thank everyone who tried to cheer me up and showed concern about me. Nothing is better than knowing that there are actually people to support me when I am falling. To hx who has been listening to me and trying to provide useful suggestions, Banana Man with yellow tights and the new COOL space shuttle(LOL! you should know who you are) and the girls especially-I LOVE U!! (there may be people whom I missed out, you are appreciated too)
BIG THANK YOU!!!!
I don't know what else more to say... I just hope October pass quickly...
I really wanna go for a holiday badly... ROC! I wanna go ROC!!
Been really unlucky... Hope everything change for the better...
I dunno why I am so tired... No amount of sleep is enough for me... Prolly I was drained dry...
With Love, Jas 1:32 AM
"Jas, what happened to you? Why do you look so glum? Anything troubling you? Are you sure you're ok? Need some vitamin............"
"Errrr... Nothing. Just a little tired... Not been sleeping well. I'm fine"
That's my sensitive and concern employer.
I was looking at the mirror yesterday and to my greatest shock, a ghost was staring back at me. The face was pale, almost white with black-ness around the eyes like Ju-on... OMG!! That has become of me... HOW?? What should I do?
I was kinda suay recently. Argh!
Its no joke having to sleep only a mere 4 hours of less every night. Having to crawl Out of bed at approximately 6 am and drag this heavy body to Clementi. Its also very tiring having to struggle to keep those heavy lids from closing and sleep-nodding the head to non-existent question from the lecturer.
Went to meet SH and laine for lunch today at Tanjong Pagar. It made me wanna step out to the workforce now. Wearing nicely pressed shirts and looking corporate and professional!! That's a little moment of imagination...
Recently came across this beautiful thing... I swear if anyone gonna buy this for me, I promise I'll be a good girl for sure.... Its gorgeous!! And most of it all, its inexpensive
As for now, maybe I can be a bad girl indulging and never wanna stop dreaming of beautiful things...
With Love, Jas 11:10 PM
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one...
Went to the Zoooooooooooo...... On Sunday...
White tiger is so beautiful.... But it looks fake... Feels like some Mascot!! LOL!!
This pic got the Mel Gibson's movie, Apocalypto kinda feeling... LOL!!
These Elephants are cute and intelligent!! I am so amazed!!
Got some "VERY CUTE" guy prolly say that the Zebra is a female version of a Horse...
And he said that a Tiger is a female version of a LION!!!!! OMG!!!
This one has got a very beautiful butt... Nicely in the shade of pink, blue and purple...
The hand in the above pic belongs to the "VERY CUTE" and prolly "VERY INTELLIGENT" guy... This guy pick up a snail and came chasing after all of us... Geok and Mich ran so fast to duno where and he freaking hid behind the wall waiting for me... I tried to siam, and he threw the poor snail over at my direction!!! How can u do that??????????????????Why are we fiddling with the bonnet you may ask... Cos the light was left switched on... So, batt was dead and we had to jump start the car!! Interesting...!! Learnt something new!! I learnt that when auto car's batt died, there is no use trying to puch the car to jump start... You need need the Jump cable and another friendly car... =)
I am sure jumping start a car was the most interesting event of the day...
With Love, Jas 5:09 PM
Whatever your intentions are, you definitely made your point. I will not act ke lian here anymore for the fact that it will disgust people. I am grateful that you finally voice out your unhappy-ness after 7 years of tolerance. I am glad you, your family and relatives do not have to suffer from this distasteful sight of me.
Thank you for wrecking my life with those hurtful words of yours. You definitely wake me up from my utopian ideas. Thank you for your 7 years of tolerance as it made my life almost a breeze only cos you did that.
You almost killed me, seriously. I have never felt so hurt in my life before not even the times when someone I loved hurt me. You successfully made me cry so much in a night that my face, my hands and my feet are numb (but its ok, you taught me a lesson). CONGRATULATIONS!!
As much as you hated me so much and hope that I will not get back together with Alvin ever again, I bet you are on the road to success too. You really made it almost impossible for us to get back together in the future.
Thanks for everything. Making me grow from this experience. I will definitely heed your advice. I hope Alvin will find you a better sis-in-law. All the best.
To Alvin, as much as I wanna work things out, I don't know how to work anymore. You asked me to think it over carefully, Yes! I will. but seriously, I don't know how long I will take. If you are willing to wait, I will be grateful. But somehow the grass seem to be greener on the other side. It will be difficult and almost ridiculous to move a derailed train back into its track so that you can continue your journey. If you are willing to help, you are defnitely most welcomed but no one has the right to stop you from hopping up to another train that is ready to move off towards your destination.
If you are willing to waste your time on me...
With Love, Jas 11:34 AM
I have been thinking about this all the time. Thinking about if my decisions were right... Before I carried out what I did, someone asked me if I think I am doing the right thing. I just said, "Its not about making the right choice anymore. I just feel that I have to do it even if it may turn out very wrong." I wonder if I am right...
I asked myself, should everything be right? What is right in the first place? Must I look at everything logically when life itself is not logical to begin with. Should I look at things from its optimality and utility? Sometimes I just wanna let my emotions rule me and let fate take its course... Is it wrong to do this? I wonder...
I wonder if I am starting to regret everything... I wonder... Somehow, I don't know how to face the world now as everything seems absolutely new to me. How do I start to widen my social circle? I am still in the state that I still wanna hide away from the world. TO ESCAPE!!!I feel like going for a holiday... Even just a short trip to Malaysia or something... Just a tiny-winy getaway...
My mum asked why am I always at home? She finds it weird for someone like me who disappears during weekends, to stay at home and nua through saturday and sunday... I just said, "Bu xiang chu qu be ke yi ah?" Another good excuse for staying at home is that I am totally broke... Go out, no matter what you do, you gotta spend money... HaiZz... Whatever it is, I think I should go out... But I don't know where I can go...
I was talking to laine... And I thought that there is something distinctive about us. We are actually very individualistic people who wants to be acknowledged and not being shadowed by anyone. We don't like the fact that people regard us something rather than ourselves ie. so&so's gf or so&so's friend rather than Jasmin. We don't like that fact that people see us as attached and take it for granted that our bfs will help us out in whatever fields. Because of this, we end up missing out alot. Missing out of being the fact that we could probably be learning something more from someone who is more experienced. Missing out in the sense that we have hardly any chance to make more ernest friends as a matter of fact people will distant away from you knowing that you are attached.
In the gist of it all, we were nurtured to be independent and aspiring people, and once we step out of independence, we feel alienated and soon start to feel lost... Simply because this is not the idea of what life we were taught should be... Life is not just about one person, not just being with one person. Shouldn't Life be more holistic? I don't know what holistic means here, but I am sure expecting more...
Now that everything has happened, I feel even more lost. Cos I realised I really do not have friends!! All I have is the girls. Many other so called friends just disappeared because they are not my first degree friends. Its time I go make more friends and be more sociable, but I don't know how to do so cos I have not been sociable since secondary school days...
Teach me how...
With Love, Jas 5:41 PM
Ouch~!!!
Hadn't been feeding this poor little stomach of mine... Its has never been so full as of now for more than a week... Thanks babes for Grapevine =)
But something still hurts....
Ouch~!!
With Love, Jas 1:59 AM
OUCH~!!!
With Love, Jas 4:57 PM