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Welcome To My Secret Garden
Monday, August 23, 2004
I have been with him for 4 years.... 4 years is neither a long nor short period of time... We've been through rollercoaster rides when i was in my Sec Sch.. where my seniors/teachers objected our relationship.. You may ask why do they reject?
1. Both of us were in NCC and thus we cannot be together cos he is supposed to be my senior.
2. I am suppose to concentrate on my studies.
3. They think that i will not be able to handle a relationship in a mature way.
4. Maybe there are some prejudice somewhere....
Whatever it is, we have had a really tough time back then.... the rejection, however, seem to strenghten our relationship during its infancy... This bond between us may have lasted quite long.. maybe about 2 years when things start to fall apart at the first quarter of this year... I began to be possessive, and he began to be unable to tolerate me... eventually we went on our separate ways.. He went to pursue another relationship.. while i suffered alone ( and of course losing those weight) This period of hardship did not last long... He decided to some back to me... And me being always wanting a patch accepted things the way it was.. there we are together again...
I'm not sure if things have gotten better... i'm not sure if i am ready for other roller-coaster rides... but i guess i really need some ( maybe alot! ) reassurance.... i have lost much confidence over the past couple of months... As i painstakingly tried to salvage this relationship, there is another voice inside telling me to give up... I can't say that i have not been at least been moved by some of the guys out there, but i know that deep down inside, he is the one i want... I wanted to flirt around with guys, but i cant bring myself to do that... haha! Definitely i was heart-broken to know that he was seeing another person.. though it was "just a normal friend" ( however she was his ex ), she managed to steal his heart away from me for a period of time.... Complicated ya... i was full of complications too... I feel so foolish to let him have the best of both worlds for a period of time... i did not hit him hard enough... i was numb with pain....
I am still unable to walk out of the pain.. i am living in the past.. ( sometimes i feel ) However, sometimes i feel that he loves me most.. i was unwilling to commit myself... I am just too pessimistic about anything that has got to do with relationship... I cant blame him for evrythig because i myself was at fault too..Maybe breaking up wasn't as bad as it may seem... If things does not work, why do we still hinder our future.... If you are not the one then why waste time? I do not have much time to play around with.. i've gotta marry young so that i can have my dream of having 4 kids!
I was in a stae of confusion when i have to decide if i really want to go back to him.. i hate all those pain.. and all the stretchmarks that followed my rapid weight loss... I hate every single bit of all that...
I'm not sure why do i exactly type all these down.. Maybe i just need to let off.... I am just too angered by him... I am provoked... i need a breathing space...
With Love, Jas 10:04 PM
Jasmin Kee
CHIJ-OLGC, Cedar Girls' Sec Sch, CJC, SIM
jas2104@hotmail.com
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