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Welcome To My Secret Garden
Friday, August 13, 2004
Suddenly feel like posting something.... didn't have anything to post here for the past few days.. cos life is like what it suppose to be.. hahaa... =p
Suddenly got this gush of feelings.. i feel somehow or rather, that i am no suitable to be in a relationship now.. haha... I'm saying this when i am with a guy for close to 4 years... *Gosh* Kinda surprising for me to say such things now right... and furthermore i feel rather irresponsible..
I've got this feeling when a group of us spoke to a teacher and some other of an elder generation, they mention that, that kinda struck me... I ought to be concentrating on my studies now rather than wasting my time with somebody that i not sure if i am going to marry.. Afterall the pursuit of higher education should be my top most priority...
Yes! i agree to a large extent. Studies is important... Studies ensure my employability... MY FUTURE! The world is moving in such a rapid pace that a degree 5 years ago can seem relatively obsolete now... ( we were talking about something like that in economics just now ) The world i am living in now requires far more than what i ever thought.... A degree may not be a passport to employment anymore.. i need an upper class honours for a job like a journalist.. A degree in Arts and Social sciences can lead you to no where... Which HR departmant will employ a person with an Arts and Social sciences degree? They would rather hire a poly grad majoring in HR.. it will cost them less and the employee possess the required skill they are looking for... So what am i suppose to do...?? Everything i seem to be in a haze...
Besides studies being the main reason i should not be involved in a relationship, the fact that i am not mature enough to deal with things is also making me feel cynical about everything... I am unable to deal with my emotions in a mature way, I am unable to think in a mature way, I am unable to escape from the possessive zone.. I am just not suitable... some may say that i am more mature than any other friends of mine, but i know myself more than they do.. the emotions: anger, jealousy, happiness and sadness are often due to childish things that i sometimes could not comprehend myself too.. I get angry with minor things that are totally insignificant to many people... I am sick of myself...
Just to illustrate, I went out with him yesterday, happily went for dinner.. Talked about some Multi-Level-Marketing... than i got angry with him.. ( not letting him know ) Call me possessive, call me narrow minded ( whatever! )... but i am angry with him cos he told me he met up wtih some guy friends the night before, which i later found out that i was rather a girl and maybe a guy? I am not sure if it is appropriate for me to be angry because it's just a normal friend. Did we promised to tell eachother everything and the truth? Is there a misunderstanding?( anyway, whether it is a normal friend or not, it is unimportant already ) I tried to suppress myself although with many things flooding into my head ( which is kinda obvious when i do ) I don't know how am i suppose to handle such situation anymore because i am suppose to trust him... But i must emphasize that i hate people to bluff me...
I must agree that it may not seem to be significant to some but the point is that when one is lying to me, it is very significant.. It may be not intentional, it may be just a white lie, but a white lie is still a lie.. And what is the excuse/reason for 'unintentional lies'? ( I can't think of anything ) Why is it so difficult for some people to speak truthfully? How to trust people who lies to you? Even if it is a white lie, it still dosen't feel good to find out about its REAL truth.. it is a lie~! How to convince yourself that nothing is wrong?
Is all the above appropriate?? Am i being childish again? To some extent, i guess i am childish.. I think its 50-50 ba... I am possessively childish and ( after a night's evaluation ) i think i have a point too... What i said is definitely not groundless... For at least i my very own chidish opinion...
I am not trying to say that i have regretted about anything i've done to my life so far ( maybe a little )... In fact, i have never regretted being with him or rather i enjoyed every moment with him... Its is merely a reflection of what is going through my mind... there is no need for me to be heard.. there is no need for any actions to be done.. maybe just a little bit more time for me to mature will do..
Will you still love me tomorrow..
With Love, Jas 2:56 PM
Jasmin Kee
CHIJ-OLGC, Cedar Girls' Sec Sch, CJC, SIM
jas2104@hotmail.com
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