Welcome To My Secret Garden
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Just wake up from my nap.. sighZ.. i don't know why but i don't feel good.. not physical unwell... i feel very troubled by many things.. my relationship for exact.. i really don't know what the hell i want.. i have thousands for questions and a whole load of uncertainties.. i'm clueless of the situation now.. i wish someone could have helped me get out of this shit..
Why am i always so miserable? Why am i worrying so much? Why do i always look at the dark side of things only? Why am i creating so much trouble for myself? Why am i like that?
I hate the way i am now.. Just now, i read my senior, Jacqueline's WeBbIe, i found those things that i read so familiar.. that was what i am.. i guess i am still the same.. not at least a little changed.. i've grown to be over-dependent on someone.. i feel that i have lost myself.. now that i wanna detach myself from that over-dependenceness.. i felt that it is very difficult.. i still feel the pain all hurtfulness i suffered a month ago.. i cant seem to get over the things that happened around me.. ( maybe i decieved myself too much ) i feel like i am living in a world of illusion... like Alice in a Wonderland.. its merely an adventure.. can i get real?! Am i real? Maybe all i am experiencing now is due to the fact that my doubts are not cleared? maybe because of all these i really can't move on.. just like the command "Hentak Kaki" in malay... ( march on the spot ) I feel that i have moved on but after awhile i realise i am still at the same spot..
Don't ever mention the place Tampines or ask me to go there.. Don't call me "dear".. Don't ever do that to me again.. don't! DON'T!! Let me run away from reality again for the moment, for now.. if you can, try to pull me out of the illusion i am living in.. Someone help me.. Did anyone hear me?
haha! maybe i don't appear any troubled.. i conquered my death spot of being overly straight forward.. and now i reached another extreme end.. i don't know how to express myself anymore...
People tell me, its not that i can't get over it.. its that my heart dosn't wanna get over it.. hmmmnZ.. i guess maybe they are right.. i don't know what i am doing also.. i wanna go back to what i am 6 months ago.. i will try.. but can someone lead me to the first step of achieving this?? just the first step.. leave the rest to me.. i will try.. i don't want to cry anymore.. i don't wanna wet my pillow with my tears anymore.. i wanna smile, i wanna laugh, i wanna be happy... that's all i am asking for..
I swear, if i have a daughter next time i will either name her Genevieve or Shu Yi.. I choose to face my fear with a open heart.. i will not try to hide from my phobia.. i will scrape the idea of not naming my daughter Genevieve or Shu Yi i told my friends a month ago... I've learnt that by facing your problem is the best way to overcome it.. now i am ready and armoured to battle it.. Are you?! Am i really ready? Am i decieving myself again?
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
Rene Descartes (1596 - 1650)
With Love, Jas 5:50 PM
Jasmin Kee
CHIJ-OLGC, Cedar Girls' Sec Sch, CJC, SIM
jas2104@hotmail.com
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